A very small percentage of the populous are capable of my skills. That skill is my complete and utter inherent propensity to know exactly how to take over the Cosmos!
Yes, my pitiful ant-like readers, you are all so easily conquered! If only you knew or were even slightly aware of how to do what I do.
Can you hear that little voice in the back of your head saying “Your about to been exposed to a devious secret!” In lieu of what will soon be your exposure to my evil plots, plans, and ploys, I will have to “Men in Black” your brain back to its normal state of utter obliviousness once we are through with our little chat.
Well, here we go. Are you ready? Was that a “No, please stop I don’t want to know your terrible secret to how to take over the cosmos!”? Than let us begin regardless…
Step 1: The Underground Lair
Okay my loathsome readers, your ignorance most likely precedes you in the fact that you do not know you must start a Cosmos Empire from the “underground up.” No, not from the "ground up" you pathetic baboon!
Your evil empire is just beginning and rebel forces will surely see you incipient lair and crush you with their hording throngs if you start you lair from the “ground up”! This is very technical!
You must start your empire from the center of the planet that you happen to be strategizing to dominate. Do not concern yourself with finances or how your actually going to GET to the center of the planet.
Step 2: Army of Single Minded Drones
If you’re like any other evil overlord of doom you will have the impossible chasm to the center of the planet dug, and the cash at hand at this very moment.
You just need to make sure you are the most evil, most putrid, and most foul overlord you can possibly be. No lunches for the minions!
You are ridiculously retarded and unintelligent! You don’t even have an army
of single minded murderous drones of the utmost fidelity!
Drones that never question your every command no matter how unseemly.
How do you build and army of this style and of incomprehensible proportions, you ask? You ask nothing of me! I will tell you how to do it, you brainless, half-witted twit! HOW DARE YOU!
Well, you have absolutely no time for applications. It is pointless to filter through all the paper work of your future slaves, and dazed and disillusioned warriors thugs.
The only references your future minions could possibly have are a list of P.O.’s and prison wardens. No, this is far too time consuming. What you need, my incompetent failure of a reader, is something that will draw in your stupid monkey men in like flies to a chunk of incontinence. I have two words for you… Craig’s List!
This website is the perfect source for henchman hunting and locating thugs of all sorts.
This place is full of idiots just like you who are desperate and unemployed. That’s why they’re selling their useless crap for pennies on the dollar.
All you have to do is advertise a job that requires no skill or formal training. Make sure you do not inform your future expendable peons that they will be under a state of mind-controlled subservience, with no wages, no healthcare, no lunch breaks, and that they will be working in an environment that is less than appeasing.
Step 3: The Death Ray
Look at the feeble, weak, and stupid monkey! Congratulations on making it to the fourth paragraph you illiterate ape!
After step 1 and 2, you should now have an underground lair and a mindless army. Now, for the final key and pedestal of your entire plot!
You must construct an inexorably fiendish, preposterously evil, and infamously esoteric Death Ray, of such grandiose scale, and ingenious design, the entirety of the Cosmos will fall to your knees in fear and chaos will reign! Mwah ha ha haa ha hack ack blak croak gag gasp cough choke AHHH! “…sigh.”
Step 4: Congratulations
Hurray for the mentally handicapped apish reader that lacks any form of intellectual acuity; you have just taken over The Cosmos!
With your new Death Ray (you may name it); expansion is just the domino effect of your new toy. Please do me and all the evil overlords a huge favor… Do not use the Death Ray responsibly! What is the point of critical think when you have a Death Ray? No, please fire at will randomly!
Just look how far your ineptitude and general lack of understanding has gotten you. You have the soul of every living being in your ill-manicured clutches!
Now, all you have to do is do your best to appear ruthless and unforgiving. Try to squish your face together like a vagina doused in moonshine. It’s a great power face. Don’t ask me how I know… I just do. I must bid you farewell now.
I wish you only the most horrible of luck in your conquest for supreme dominance!
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